She said, 'Xiao Lu, I'm done.'
I've fallen for someone.
I can't think of tea, can't think of food, can't focus on work. My mind is full of him.
I know we can't, but I just can't control myself.
He replied to me slowly today, and I felt anxious all day, going over the chat history repeatedly, analyzing every word and sentence.
He casually shared a song, and I felt like he was hinting at something, then I overthought it all night.
I feel like a madman, being pulled by an invisible thread, and I don't feel like myself anymore.
I know this is wrong, it's too exhausting.
But I can't get out.
Can you scold me awake? Or give me a way to "demystify" him?
After reading her message, I replied with eight words:
This is not an illness, it's a lesson.
She didn't understand and asked me what I meant.
I said, the person you're obsessed with is like a teacher who fell from the sky to give you the most important life lesson.
The name of this lesson is "Seeing Yourself".
The reason you're suffering isn't because the problem is too difficult, but because you keep misreading the problem and using the wrong formula.
You think you're trying to figure out "him," but actually you're trying to figure out yourself.
Today, I will break down this problem-solving method for you in its entirety.
I rarely share this method with others.
Because it's a bit like surgery, requiring you to be ruthless with yourself.
But as long as you do it, you can instantly "demystify" anything, whether it's a person of the opposite sex who keeps you tossing and turning at night, a job you desperately want, or a rival you envy.
From then on, his heart was no longer troubled, and he regained his freedom.
First, what you're infatuated with has never been that person.
Before you begin, you must accept a premise that makes you very uncomfortable:
The person who makes you infatuated doesn't actually exist.
What you see of him is nothing more than a curtain.
A screen that you hung up yourself to play the movie in your heart.
What you fall in love with, are obsessed with, and can't let go of is the movie you project onto this screen, not the frame on which the screen is hung.
What's the meaning?
Your heart is like an old-fashioned movie projector.
Your past experiences, your family of origin, your unfulfilled desires, your fantasies about the future... these are your film reels.
When the projector is full of these films, it will constantly search for a "screen" to project onto.
And that "he" just happened to appear in your beam of light at a certain time and in a certain place.
He might just be wearing a white shirt you like, have a nice dimple when he smiles, or say something that happens to touch your heart at some point.
With a "click".
You pointed your projector at him.
And so, the epic movie in your mind begins to play out wildly on him.
You crave to be seen, so you interpret him as "the person who understands me best in the whole world".
You lack inner strength, so you imagine him as "a peerless hero who can save me from dire straits".
You feel you're not good enough, so you idealize him into a "flawless, radiant god."
You magnified a certain quality you admired in him a thousand times, and then used that quality to define his entire being.
You turned a casual remark he made into a deeply moving love poem.
You imagined his casual act of concern as a passionate and dramatic love affair.
You are the director of this grand drama. You are the screenwriter. You are also the audience.
What about him?
He was just a curtain.
He was completely unaware of the dramatic events unfolding around him.
He might still be wondering why you always look at him with that strange gaze.
The root of your pain is not whether he loves you or ignores you.
The problem is that you treated a fictional movie character as a real person.
You clung tightly to the curtain, crying and pleading for the hero in the movie to love you.
Isn't that absurd?
Therefore, the first and most crucial step in "demystifying" is to tell yourself:
"Stop. The movie is over."
"The person before me is not my hero, nor my god. He is merely a puppet."
"What I want to see is not this screen, but my own projector and the reel of film in my hand."
Only when you have this awareness can the surgery truly begin.
II. A piece of paper and a pen: performing a "human surgery" on oneself.
Find a completely quiet afternoon, prepare a blank sheet of paper and a pen.
Refuse all disturbances.
Next, we're going to take apart your out-of-control "projector" and see what the "film" inside actually is.
I call this process "demand translation".
Step 1: List the "divine" aspects
On the left side of the blank paper, write down everything about your infatuation with him in as much detail as possible.
List out all the "highlights" about him that make you addicted.
Don't judge, don't think, just write.
for example:
He is very capable at work and became a senior executive in the company at a young age.
He is very confident and speaks fluently and calmly in any situation.
He is very emotionally stable and seems to never get angry about anything.
He has such good taste; the books he reads and the music he listens to are all so sophisticated.
He's so gentle with me; last time I was sick, he even reminded me to take my medicine.
He's so handsome, he's my type.
Write it down, write down all the "divine aura" about him in your mind.
The more specific and detailed the description, the more thorough the surgery will be.
Write until you feel you can't write anything more.
Step Two: Translate the "Requirements"
On the right side of the blank paper, translate the "requirements" for each "divine" line on the left.
The sentence structure for translation is: "The reason I am infatuated with his [A] is because I have an inner deep desire/deficiency for [B]."
This [B] is your true inner "needs film".
Let's try to translate it:
Being infatuated with someone because of their strong work ability can be translated as: "I feel anxious and insecure about my current achievements/earning ability, and I crave worldly success to prove myself."
The phrase "I am infatuated with his confidence" translates to: "Deep down, I feel very inferior. I don't accept myself, and I crave that sense of certainty that comes from self-affirmation."
Being infatuated with "his emotional stability" translates to: "My inner world is in turmoil, filled with emotional storms, and I yearn for inner order and peace."
Being infatuated with someone for their "good taste" can be translated as: "I feel boring and my inner world is barren. I long to become more interesting and have more depth."
Being obsessed with "his gentleness towards me" translates to: "I am desperately in need of love, I don't know how to love myself, and I crave unconditional care and acceptance from the outside world."
Being infatuated with someone because they are handsome means that I lack confidence in my appearance, or that I crave to stand next to them to boost my sense of self-worth.
Do you understand now?
When you translate the entire "Divine List" on the left into the "Requirements List" on the right.
The "him" who made you infatuated vanished in an instant.
He was reduced to a mirror.
A mirror that clearly and mercilessly reflects all the lack, fear, and desire in your heart.
What you're so obsessed with isn't him at all, but rather a fragment of your "ideal self."
You treated him as a container, filling it with all the things you "wanted but couldn't have".
Then, you prostrate yourself on the ground to worship this "god" that you yourself have built up.
What you desire is not to possess him.
Instead, it's about instantly filling all the voids in your heart by getting him.
It's as if as long as he loves you, you will immediately become just like him: capable, confident, stable, and tasteful.
This is a form of mental "opportunistic laziness".
You don't want to go through the hardship of digging a well yourself; you just want to find someone with a spring and rely on them for water for the rest of your life.
This is the truth behind your suffering.
Step 3: Investigating the "Root Cause"
The translation of the requirements is not the end of the story.
Next, for each "requirement" on the right, ask yourself at least five "whys".
This is digging up the roots.
For example, regarding the statement "I have a deep-seated inferiority complex," the question might be:
Why am I so insecure?
(Because I always feel like I'm not good enough)
Why do I always feel like I'm not good enough?
(Because from childhood to adulthood, no matter what I did, my mother rarely praised me, always saying that I was not as good as the neighbor's child.)
Why do I feel bad about myself when my mom doesn't praise me?
(Because I gave her the power to judge myself. I need her approval to prove my worth.)
Why do I need her approval to prove my worth?
(Because I haven't established my own value system. I don't know what determines a person's value.)
Why haven't I established my own value coordinates?
(Because I have never seriously thought about this issue, I have always lived in the expectations and standards of others.)
Once you dig this far, the root will come out.
Your fascination with his confidence stems from a lack of "unconditional self-acceptance" in yourself since childhood.
For example, dig out "I feel anxious about my current achievements".
Why the anxiety?
(Because I'm 30 years old and haven't achieved anything significant, nor have I earned much money.)
Why do people feel anxious if they don't achieve anything by age 30?
(Because the social clock tells me that I should be settled down and have achieved something by the age of 30.)
Why should I believe whatever the social clock says?
(Because I'm afraid of being abandoned by my peers, afraid of being looked down upon by others)
Why do I care so much about what others think?
(Because my sense of security is based on external comparisons, rather than on internal growth.)
Why is my sense of security based on comparison?
(Because I treated life as a race, not an experience. I only focused on the finish line and forgot to look at the scenery along the way.)
Do you see that?
Every "obsession" that keeps you tossing and turning at night is like a vine.
If you follow this vine, you're bound to find a bitter and astringent "melon".
This "melon" is a limiting belief implanted in you in your early years, an unhealed trauma, or a thought pattern that you are still unaware of.
When this paper is full, you will feel a sense of shame as if you have been stripped naked, but what follows is an unprecedented clarity and ease.
You will no longer think, "Why doesn't he reply to my messages?"
You just look at this piece of paper and say to yourself:
"Oh, so I'm really starved for love."
"Oh, so that's how afraid I am of being abandoned."
"Oh, so the steering wheel of my life wasn't in my own hands at all."
At this point, in your heart, that "he" has gone from a "god" to a "passerby".
You might even feel a little grateful to him.
Thank you for using such an extreme method to force you to lay bare the festering wounds in your heart, making it impossible for you to pretend you can't see them anymore.
Third, from "seeking" from others to "seeking" from oneself.
A few years ago, I traveled to an ancient town and visited an old ceramic craftsman.
His studio was filled with all sorts of objects he had made.
I pointed to a blue long-necked bottle and asked him, "Teacher, which of your pieces is the most perfect?"
He smiled but didn't say anything.
He simply picked up a teacup that looked flawed and rubbed it in his hand.
He said, "When I first started learning the craft, I was just like you, thinking every day about creating the 'most perfect' thing."
It has no impurities, the shape is perfectly symmetrical, and the glaze is as smooth as a mirror.
In pursuit of this "perfection," I discarded thousands upon thousands of unsatisfactory works, and spent sleepless nights on end.
Then one day, my master couldn't stand it anymore and asked me, "Are you obsessed with porcelain, or with that idea of 'perfection' in your heart?"
I was stunned.
My master said that no one can predict how the fire will move in the kiln. What will happen to the clay and glaze in the blazing fire is their destiny.
Sometimes, a black spot, a fine line, or an unexpected kiln transformation is precisely the unique 'identity card' of this piece.
If you treat these 'imperfections' as enemies, you'll only narrow your path.
What you need to learn is to see these 'imperfections' as God's signature.
From that day on, I was truly introduced to the field.
I no longer pursue that imagined "perfection," but instead learn to appreciate the "original appearance" of each work.
This one has a black spot, that one is a little crooked, but they are all real and unique.
When I stopped measuring them with a "perfect" ruler, they all became perfect.
The old craftsman put down his teacup, looked at me, and said:
"People are the same. If you have the idea of a 'perfect lover' in your mind, you will compare everyone you meet to him. This is not right, that is not good enough, so you will never find one. Even if you find someone who looks very similar, you will be trembling with fear, afraid that he will not be perfect one day. You are not infatuated with the person, but with your own idea. Only by removing this idea can you see a living, breathing person."
I've remembered those words for many years.
The essence of demystification is to remove the "perfect idea" from your mind.
Whether it's the idea of a "perfect lover" or the idea of a "perfect life".
Once you've completed the "requirements translation" list above, you've successfully removed that "perfect idea" from him.
But this is only the first step.
The next, more important step is to turn this list into your "growth map".
The list reads, "I crave self-confidence."
Okay, then you should stop expecting him to "bestow" confidence upon you.
You need to build your self-confidence yourself.
How do I set it up?
Do something small that you've always wanted to do but haven't dared to, and succeed at it.
For example, going to see a movie alone. Or running five kilometers alone.
Learn a new skill, even if it's just learning to cook a signature dish.
Confidence is not a feeling; it is the result of a series of accumulated "I can do it" experiences.
The list reads, "I crave worldly success."
Okay, then stop fantasizing that marrying him will make you rich overnight.
You must create your own success.
Even if it starts with successfully managing a small side hustle.
Shift your time and energy away from studying his social circle and towards studying how to build your own value.
When you're busy building your own growth every day, you'll find that you simply don't have time to think about romance and love.
A person who is focused on building houses will not have the leisure to admire the flowers in their neighbor's garden.
I've seen too many girls like this; they always think they can solve all their problems in life by finding "the right person."
But the truth is, even if you meet the "right person" when you're riddled with problems, you still won't be able to handle it.
Your insecurity, your lack, and your need for control can drag any healthy relationship into a quagmire.
The only way out is to become the "right person" yourself.
You yourself are that inexhaustible well.
When you can obtain a continuous source of love, a sense of value, and security from within yourself, you will no longer need to grasp at it from the outside.
At this point, your perspective on men and women in the world will be completely different.
You are no longer a hungry beggar, searching everywhere for bread to fill your stomach.
You are a bountiful king, simply strolling and admiring the scenery along the way.
This man is quite handsome, like a tall, straight pine tree. Take a look.
That woman is lovely too, like a beautiful rose. A compliment, please.
But you will no longer think about possessing or depending on it.
Because your garden has everything.
I rarely talk about it publicly, but in our internal community "Evergreen Alliance," we only do one thing: empower every member to build themselves into a lush garden and grow into a continuously profitable super-individual.
Many people ask me, Yifan, I understand the principles, but how exactly do I do it?
I don't have a talent for writing. How can I build a personal brand through in-depth content and gain confidence and influence?
I lack customer resources. How can I build trust through high-value communities and get customers to actively seek me out?
Without any connections or background, how can I leverage a reliable platform like Source Diary to elegantly monetize trust and earn passive income?
These specific and practical issues are the very reason for the existence of the "Evergreen Alliance".
We don't talk nonsense; we provide a complete, proven, and replicable system. We teach you how to attract like-minded people with content, how to build a trusting environment with sincerity, and how to complete the business loop with value.
What we do is transform every deficiency on your "needs list" into tangible skills and assets through concrete actions.
We've transformed you from a "projectionist" searching for a screen everywhere into a "radiant being" with your own light.
When you yourself become a light, do you still need to chase after the light of others?
When you yourself become an ocean, would you still care about a glass of water given to you by someone else?
So, let's go back to the original question.
How do you "demystify" a person?
The ultimate answer is only six words:
Inward attribution, outward growth.
Stop staring at that screen and look back at your own projector.
Wipe it clean and replace it with brand new film covered with the words "Self-Growth".
Then shine the light on yourself.
When you look at him, you are no longer looking up to a god, but looking at an old friend at eye level.
At that moment, you will be free.